Sunday, October 17, 2010

Guardian Angel, God, Karma, Luck, whatever it was: Thank You

Bonjour mes amis,

I've been having quite a time. This summer I discovered that the guy I've secretly adored for years but always dismissed it due to complications, thinking there was no way he'd ever feel the same, actually had feelings for me. Since then we've gotten pretty serious, though we have to keep things quiet due to said-complications. But Lord am I lucky to have someone who cares about me like he does. He's one of those guys that everyone dreams about but no one really believes exists. Let me tell you, ladies, he does, and he's all mine. He keeps me smiling even on the hard days. But I don't know what I've done to deserve a man like him.

I've also had a very busy school year. My grades are starting slip a little but no C's yet. I need to start working harder, in fact, I should be working right now. I have an English paper due tomorrow. But I need to get some thoughts out, and I feel that they're important enough that I'll find a way around it. I am very grateful that MEA (three days off of school) is this week because I need a little break from the world. School 8:05-3:00 plus theatre every day from 3:15 to 5ish, Spirit Players is Thursday mornings 7:20 to 7:50, plus random Robotics every week or so, especially with the planning for the Halloween Dance which is coming up on the 30th, so I have to skip my dad's weekend. I'm not happy about that. I miss him.

This weekend I was at his house for the last time until four weeks from now and I've been feeling exceptionally homesick so I cried a little before I left but managed to stop so I could leave without him knowing that I was upset. As soon as I started driving, the tears came back, but I told my wonderful angel that I'd drive safely, so I knew I needed to calm down. I stopped crying but was upset. Then it started to rain. I love the rain, it has so many different emotions tied into it. It's a very powerful thing, I think. It felt like the world was crying for me, because it knew I couldn't. I rolled down my window despite it being freezing, so I could smell the rain in the air. It relaxed me, in that refreshing way that crying does. Yet I wasn't getting cold. Confused, I checked and saw that I did indeed turn off the heat in the car.... but it was still going, keeping me warm, even when I knew I shouldn't waste the energy with my windows down. My car was looking out for me. I guess it's happy to have a full tank of gas for the first time in three months.

I'm not really sure how I made it home without an accident. I was in a terrible state, crying for a good ten minutes and even after I stopped, I really only had my eyes glued to the car in front of me on the interstate. I know I was swerving a little here and there. I shouldn't have been on the roads. I shouldn't have made it home without so much as a scratch- no, without so much as getting cold. But I did.

And now, for those of you who are left reading this really long, seemingly rambling post, I will explain why this all has so much significance. I am agnostic. To most I explain it as, "I understand that there is a possibility of God existing, but you can't prove it." In reality, it's more of a "I want to believe in God, but I don't know that I can trust Him if He doesn't do something significant to announce his presence." I have pretty bad trust issues, and I'm rather rebellious and question authority a lot. I was also raised to be Atheist and during debates I tend to claim it just because I get so frustrated with the way many religious people are so condescending from their high horses. For a while I searched for answers but gave up. I knew I wanted to believe, but I couldn't. I haven't given it much thought in a couple years, until the other week when I had one of these notorious condescending Christians being very rude towards Atheists when she clearly didn't understand the concepts. (Mind you, this is the same girl that tried to say that Christianity was the first religion.) Even though she angered me, she awoke my curiosity again. Of course, first I was mad and wanted to hear about the other side, why God couldn't possibly exist. But I never actually read into it, knowing how many flaws in logic are on that side, and instead it's just ever so quietly been on my mind.

And then I have nights like tonight, reflecting on the past few months and on life in general. How is it I met someone who truly adores me for me, who's willing to do anything to make me smile, who thinks exactly like me on big-picture ideas, and who I am completely, totally, and irrevocably in love with? He is religious but only lightly and doesn't talk about it unless people come to him. But when I was asking him about it the other week, he told me he prays every night before bed, thanking God for me. I started tearing up in the middle of school thinking that someone would do that for me. And tonight? I was a complete mess. I shouldn't have made it home in one piece. Why did I?

Truth be told, I'm not entirely sure. But I have this feeing... Call me crazy, but I feel like I was being looked after.

À demain,
Mlle Delphine

Edit: Shortly after posting this, I got the last text from a friend saying goodbye because he was deployed to Aghanistan last night (the early morning hours after posting this). While I knew it was coming for months, I just broke down crying at the thought of not seeing him for a year and him being so far away and in danger and, yeah. It was bad. I went online and checked for someone to talk to, and I told him, "I need a hug." As soon as I hit enter, I heard my step dad get up off the couch downstairs, walk upstairs, and he came and hugged me tight until I stopped crying.

Then I finally got to talk to my wonderful angel an hour or so later and he got me feeling 100% again as usual. I set my alarm, he talked to me until I fell asleep (which was pretty late so I would only get a few hours of sleep), and then I woke up at 7:20. My alarm was supposed to go off at 6 but never did so I got to sleep in. But that meant I was late and thus truent and thus had detention for the first time in my life. While I *could* have made it to school on time for first hour, I felt like a mess and I needed a shower and I wouldn't have time for breakfast and just everything was wrong. I texted my mother and she called in saying I had a dentist appointment to excuse me from hours one and two. This gave me enough time to write my English paper that was due today.

Lucky? I'm not sure that's what I want to call it. But now I really have to go to school!

À bientot.

1 comment:

French Bean & Coffee Bean said...

I'm glad you've been able to meet a man who *deserves* you, my dear. Just keep your chin up. :-)

-Barb the French Bean